5 Things To Do to Survive a Polar Vortex
For all of our friends in the Midwest, we have not forgotten you. This week you are visited by snow and winds that are so cold your one-upper uncle can't even say he's experienced worse. Be strong, be wise, and here are 5 things you can do to survive.
1. A Hot Beverage
This one may seem obvious but when someone is in survival mode and hiding from the threat of arctic blasts in their home, sometimes the obvious options are not as clear. Take this opportunity to brew yourself a cup of delicious coffee, aromatic tea, or a hot cocoa like mom used to make.
As the beverage warms your cup and hands, the smell that takes over your room will remind you of better times when the air outside was not trying to murder you.
2. Drink Wine
Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you that enjoy the occasional indulgence of adult beverages, you are presented with the rare opportunity to drink alcohol on a weekday during business hours. This activity can be done in groups with no judgment or alone with no judgment (who's gonna rat you out besides your text message history?). And you can mix it with other activities: drawing, painting, cooking (cautiously), and playtime with the rug rats.
And if you already work from home, you know what I'm talking about (fist bump).
3. Grow Your Facial Hair
Let your foliage flourish during these winter months, boys and girls. Arctic winds feel less severe when they have to struggle through the facial blockade you have added to your face. A handsome handle bar mustache will intimidate the cold to take it down a notch. And when you're stuck inside and walk passed a mirror, you want to like what you see.
Take this chance to be the best version of yourself aesthetically whilst keeping your face warm.
4. Eat Cake
Eat. Cake. Throw on your favorite flannel, toss off your pants and eat your weight in confections. You don't know the next time you'll be able to get proper groceries and everybody knows that cake starts to go bad once you look at it. Don't waste it.
Cakes can come in whatever dietary restriction variety you need it to. Cake will never let you down and it will make your soul feel warmer and add precious winter weight to your body so that you may survive the cold in this worst case scenario.
Cake is delicious, don't fight us on this.
5. Snuggle Up In Your Warmest Blanket
When all is said and done, the best thing to do during a polar vortex and snowmaggedon is find your best blanket and just make a nice little nest. If you live with a significant other or small children, make them get you things and store your treasures within the mysterious folds of your warmth cape. You're a superhero now, more cape than hero, and you're always laying down.
This is who you are now and if anyone doesn't like it, they can go outside and freeze to death.
Please be safe and take these 5 suggestions as a survival guide. If you don't follow any of our advice, there's a made up percentage chance that you could face your doom.
Be wise, be safe, survive.